i’ve been thinking lately, how grateful i am to have my two girls. its funny to me, because all through this pregnancy i had convinced myself i was having a boy. i suppose this is for many reasons, one of which being that i had really wanted another girl.
more than anything else, it was always important to me to have my children have the same father. this is directly as a result of being the only child of my own parents. although i have (many) siblings that i grew up with and feel very close to, there was always a sense of separateness that came from knowing that everyone else shared a father that i did not. i felt i looked different, and i felt lonely at times. so i never wanted that for my own child.
going back through some old writing, i found a dream i had almost exactly a year before my new baby was born. i dreamed i gave birth to a chubby cheeked girl with a head full of dark hair, and i caught her myself as soon as she was born. how prophetic! i am so glad i wrote it down, as i would not have remembered at all. i know she was meant to be here, in my life and in her sister’s life.
i hope my daughters will be great comfort and companionship for each other. i hope they can be good friends and allies. i am glad they will not have the emptiness that i felt.
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today my infant is 4 weeks and 1 day old. we went and saw our midwife today, my babies and i. i love my midwife. she is so dear and comforting to me. i want her to be my friend. it makes me sad that in 2 weeks i will see her for the last time. when i told her my baby’s name for the first time she said, “OH, that was the name i always planned to name my baby girl!” (she had 4 sons.)
we sat after the appointment and just chatted for 30 minutes. i feel such a bond with her, which i suppose is easily attributed to the intense experiences she has shared with me. she sat with me and gave me comfort as i unintentionally cried over my broken home, and she shared with me her similar story. i feel blessed by her presence in my life, and grateful that i have had her support and care during a time so filled with so much that is unpleasant and painful. she has always been gentle and supportive, and that is such a rare thing to find in the world.
