last night i prayed to please wake up not caring. how long does it take to not feel like dying, curling up in a ball and crying? how many more of these ridiculous, tear-filled sleeplessness nights do i need before i finally get it–He’s not good for you. No matter what he says, he doesn’t care for you.
i don’t know what keeps me hanging on. sleeplessness nights are probably not the best times to try and sort things out, but that’s how it goes anyway. why would i continue to compromise my heart like this? i feel empty. again. punched in the gut. this is stupid. i am being stupid. i am holding on to NOTHING. there is nothing here.
and finally, i ask myself, why would i want to be with someone who refuses to acknowledge we are together? who acts ashamed of being with me? who doesn’t want anyone to know he is married, that we are together? why am i willing to accept this? being hidden, being told over and over again that i am somehow deficient, not good enough. never measuring up. never enough. i can’t live like this. and since i can’t die and leave my children, i have to suck it up and end it. i just wish it didn’t hurt like this.
